Gift from the Sheriff
An hour later Floyd makes a call. "Virgil! Did the sheriff come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. After a few more drinks, the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.
The man heads for the door and the barman shouts "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' 'ere!"
The man replies, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there, and one officer asks, "What happened?"
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief!" says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"
"Sure did," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar. "I'm afraid we're dealing with a cereal killer."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center to tell recruits about their GI insurance benefits..
Captain Smith noticed that Jones had a 100% record for insurance sales. It had never happened before.
The Captain then sat in the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the insurance.
"If you have GI Insurance and get killed in battle, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and get killed in battle, the government only has to pay $6,000. Now, who do you think they send into battle first?"
Bumper Sticker Humor
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Dumb and Dumber
The geography teacher was going over the lesson when she asked where the most uneducated people in the world lived. Katie put up her hand and the teacher called on her.
“In New York City,” said little Katie.
“New York?” asked the teacher. “Why do you say that?”
“Well, in our book, it says that the population in New York is the most dense.”